Ok, I've been sort of avoiding this post, not because I didn't want to speak about it, more so because I need to be in the mind frame whereby I can put it all down in a way in which I hope everyone reading this will understand. You see, it's not just life with sarcoidosis, I have a history which plays a part, I believe, in who I am sitting here right now typing this blog entry. My life before 2002 was pretty much perfect. You know the perfect life? ... That life where you're settled down, married, have 2 beautiful children, beautiful home, nice car on the drive and husband running his own business so you and your kids are well provided for? ... That was my life, surrounded in bliss at home, thinking I had it all, great friends, family ... The whole package. Looking back it was an illusion, it all became real on 13/02/2003 when my husband and childhood sweetheart died. He died at 7.30pm that evening. My clock at home stopped at that exact time and never worked since.
So, in my time of grieving (which never really stopped for me as I still grieve) I discovered that most of my friends weren't real friends at all, my in laws turned vile towards me and I got sick. No one knew at first why I was suddenly and gradually becoming more reclusive, less active, non communicative and exhausted .... Instead of offering their help, they caused as much trouble and upset they possibly could, compromising home life for my sons through their judgment and dislike of me..... If only they had reserved such judgments, if only I had the blood test a LOT sooner, they would have discovered pernicious anaemia, that was just the tip of the iceberg.
By this time I had lost my beautiful home, I shut out all fake friends and family and I found myself very alone. Yes I had my sons but my mindset was that of someone deeply depressed, through lack of B12.
I sunk into the worse depression I have ever experienced, feeling worthless, useless, hopeless, my hair was falling out, I couldn't tolerate sunlight, I couldn't walk. I was bed ridden mostly.
So, how did I come back from that? ... My sons pretty much, I remember my eldest cooking dinner, cuddling me while watching the 2012 Olympics and he has no idea how much he sparked my self worth back into action ... Still very weak, sick, but able to tolerate daylight more, we agreed that I should take care of my mum who needed it after coming home from a long stay in hospital. Gradually, thanks to my kids, my mum and my sister, my life began to look up for the first time since 2005 .... I began to understand that there are people who love me, who do understand and want me to do well, it was so hard taking those first steps, having to go out every day, facing people, communicating ... Something I thought I'd never do again. 6 months later I was a different person, my mum was doing great, I was too and I went back to work after a year of continued therapy at home and a referral to Work Solutions.
Then bam, I got sick again .... Chapter two to follow............................