Sunday, 21 August 2016

A Lot Going On And Straight From The Heart....... 🙍

Yep, a lot has been going on recently .... I truly don't know where to start but I guess the beginning is a good place to try and explain from ... After all the hassle and aggravation with trying to get a new computer, I hoped that would be it and I could start to unwind and enjoy the summer break, but life decided it had other plans for me ..... My eldest son has been sick for weeks and weeks but is back in work now even though he is still unwell .... It's been exhausting and my mum, sadly, has been playing us up ... I never thought I would ever come clean about this ... I've always kept it so quiet and away from places like online social media outlets but I really do not know how much more I can take from this situation and her .... Yes I understand she's old and rather unwell and disabled, but for some reason she is being very rude and spiteful to and about everyone around her who are trying to help and support her .... It reminds me of being a child again and in turn it's throwing back the unhappier memories from my childhood where I sometimes had nowhere to turn to escape bullying as it happened at school and in the home .... An abusive childhood is something I have never really opened up about to anyone ... I've never been able to speak about things that happened and were said and done to me all those years ago ... But now more and more of my loved ones are seeing the reality and I feel such a heavy hearted sadness over it .... I never wanted this for my mum ... As much as she was and is a good mum, I know her and I know this part of her exists as I lived it for 18 years before I left home to start again and try and rebuild with my then boyfriend, who later became my husband ... The only years of my life that were free of abuse were when he was around and alive .... Everyone now sees this side of my mum which I felt I was the only one who saw and I don't know if I am even happy about it ... I don't feel overjoyed at all ... In fact it makes me feel sick to the stomach in all honesty that they see the person who only ever showed that side of themselves to me and possibly my older brother back then .... It's kicking off my anxiety big time ... I've had bouts of it whereby I don't really speak much, I struggle to leave the house even to walk my precious dog ... I am literally petrified all the time, I shake, I spend my time tucked away in bed, I make graphics to try and distract my mind from bad memories, the shouting, the physical harm, the lies .... It's not the only part of my life where I was abused ... It has happened in more recent times but I am not prepared or ready to open up ... I will let life run its course on that score .... Even typing this I've started shaking with fear ... I've always been so afraid of what people will say and how they'll react to something like this coming from me .... I don't want to go back there ... Not ever ... It all really became clear to other people when she started having a home carer, the carers didn't want to go to her as she was abusive to them, told them they were useless, told lies about them etc .... Then one carer came along, we found a lovely lady, the sweetest little soul you could ever wish to meet who genuinely had my mums and our best interests at heart, she kept my mums home spotless, mum was spotlessly clean, well fed, always presentable and even had a lovely new hair cut ... She took mum to Mass, did literally everything for her with a kind and loving heart ... My mum in turn repaid her with abuse, told lies about me and my sis and bro and passed nasty remarks and used foul language aimed at her also .... It made her carer poorly eventually and she just couldn't do it any more ... We lost a wonderful carer and because of this the drama and the hassle and lies began again, first off with a phone call waking me yesterday morning by Colindale police ... Social Services then became involved and made the problem worse ... Now everyone is lying to me apart from my sis and bro ... I simply cannot deal with this shit and why should anyone else be expected to? ... Plus with the illnesses I have, I simply couldn't physically do the things that meet the criteria to care for an elderly person who struggles to walk and has lost the ability to know when they need the toilet ... I don't have the strong stomach for it and the last time I looked after mum it didn't end well .... She abused me, she hit me too (ok it wasn't a good old beating as she's old but she raised her hand to me) then obviously I was to blame, I warned her time and time again I take ages to get ready because I am in a lot of pain all the time, I can't perform any task quickly and people around me do need a great deal of patience ... I take ages to do anything from graphics making to getting ready in the bathroom to housework ... So, I was too slow, I got on her nerves and took too long to do anything and my level of care wasn't good enough according to her, she's basically done the same thing to the last carer who was fantastic, that she's done to me throughout my life ... Made up her side, relayed that to everyone else and the truth remained the smallest grain of salt, there but not for those who don't see it for what it is .... Ugh, I am sorry, this post isn't supposed to be one of those sympathy seeking campaigns ... I'm just trying to get it out my system in a way that I don't have to open my mouth and speak, please don't feel sorry for me ... Hell no, it's not like that ... It is a clarification of why I feel the way I feel and have been feeling throughout my life on and off .... It may even be a strong reason why I am the way I am now .... I'm highly sensitive ... I notice a lot that others don't unless they're like me, I am drawn to artistic souls, deep souls, those who I feel I make an instant connection with and who I just know are on the same page as myself ... Art helps me so much ... Poetry, writing .... Yes I come across as a real bitch ... I know I do, but that is my protection, to stop people I am uncomfortable with getting too close ... I shut them out and I am very standoffish and snotty .... For the record, I can't stand being anywhere near men too .... Men actually make my skin crawl ... I dislike them touching me, hugging me, I cannot ever be alone with a man or I will freeze up completely in fear .... You can draw your own conclusion from that ... I have broken off potential relationships because I just don't want the closeness and intimacy, the thought of it makes me feel sick actually ... That's another reason why a relationship is out of the question .... I'm terrified of male contact ... It makes my skin crawl, my stomach turn and my whole body freeze completely ... First time I have openly admitted this too .... I've always said it's just because I'm happy as I am and yes I am, but that is a huge part why also .... When a guy takes my hand I can't stand it ... I'm always suspicious and waiting for them to hurt me and then they do .... Just don't come near me or get ideas .... It goes a lot deeper than me just wanting to be as I am, sarcoidosis and chronic illness wise as well .... Respect that and me .... Thank you and thank you for reading this blog ... I kind of feel better about opening up, but I still feel such sadness .... My past is knocking on the door, I just hope it doesn't decide to break the door down ... I'm not ready .............................

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