One For The Ladies.... LOL :)

Ok .. Men!! LOL ... Ladies we all roll our eyes when we say that word at some point :) ... I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and on a serious note in terms of relationships and the people we meet throughout life's journey .... Some I think are definitely a lesson learned and best rid of and unfortunately, that's pretty much how it is now for me personally.  I'm not saying all men are shit bags, of course they're not, but I've been too unguarded in the past and too lenient and accepting of crap I shouldn't have even considered as I'm better than all of it .... I've been so hurt and abused, physically, emotionally and mentally, one experience I can't even speak about because it is so traumatic and the main reason I truly believe the past is best left there ... Not just for our own sake but if you have any shred of intention and hope of moving on, it's so not fair to project that onto someone new in your life, it hurts them and they just end up feeling second best and issue sponge to your past ... That's really not fair on them ... I just know as a whole, I don't think I like men ... I like the guys I'm friends with, they're terrific human beings but the thought of a man in my life, having to change to please him, no fucking way .... No man out there as far as I know, would be willing to accept me for just me, without wanting to tweak me in some way or another ... Why should I change to suit them? I refuse to do that, I would have 10 years ago, but definitely not now ... The thought of a man beside me wanting cuddles ... Just ugh ... No ... Odd thing is I want the closeness, I want the love but the physical contact makes me feel physically sick just thinking about it ... The male form makes me feel sick for the most part.... When I get a hug, it's because I allow someone that closeness because I trust them ... I don't have issues in that sense but when a guy shows interest, then off goes my upchuck reflex into overdrive LOL ... I'm just plain odd! :)  Or am I just tip top wised up? 

Does anyone else share the same feelings and emotions too? I kind of feel alone in how I feel sometimes, what I really also can't stand is when a man is full on interested and proclaims he is madly in love with me, then it all switches to a 180 in a split second and blink of an eye and suddenly he's distant and really not that in love with me at all ... How am I ever supposed to believe it when a man tells me he loves me? ... Bottom line is, I don't now ... More pain, more reason to just never allow anyone near me ... I remain as I am for a lot of reasons, it's definitely for the best all round ... That way I don't get hurt, no one saying they're interested gets mucked about and things remain uncomplicated as much as possible ... So please, don't get ideas about me ... I'm officially unavailable and will remain that way ... It's safer, it's sensible and I'm not an issue punchbag or here to become embroiled in complications that will ultimately hurt me and make me feel unappreciated and unimportant in comparison to your needs and past matters ... I'm not here to seek the approval of others, I live my life how I see fit ... I don't ask other people if it's ok to just be me and to approve of those I choose to let in ... I certainly don't look to my past for answers in the present ... My advice here, for what it may or may not be worth is, if you really do love someone, don't just say it ... Help them to believe it and help them to feel like they really are your world and your everything, because if they are anything like me, you'll lose them in a heartbeat .... Same applies to friendship ... If you treat a friend like dirt then you're no friend to them ... They shouldn't have to put up with crap from you!

How they treat you is how they feel about you.

No one heals themselves by wounding another.

Friday!! Well, Only Just :)

I'm wide awake at gone midnight which is very unusual for me on a work night, but for some reason I feel like today I had an energy boost ... I'm not knocking it as it doesn't happen very often so I'm up and making the most of it before I hit the sack :) ... It's been a very busy week, not had hardly any time to call my own to be honest ... I'm either working or seeing to the kids and Eddie baby dog who had 2 trips to the Vet this week ... Nothing awful, he just loves going to the Vet :) ... First day he was weighed and is now on prescription food, he's not grossly or dangerously overweight, just a tiny bit chunky for his size and proportion ... He loves his food as well, so I'm really pleased the transition from his usual food to the prescription food is going so smoothly ... Work is going good too, I never really have much to say in terms of work as it's great ... Never been happier in a job ever .... The weather here has been a bit unstable ... We did have some thunderstorms in the week and it seems a little cooler now ... Sarcoidosis wise, well, it's sarcoid .... Enough said, I feel better this week in comparison to last week ... No 2 days are the same with this illness so make the most of the good days, they're rare as rocking horse shit for me ... On the bad days, hold on and just keep going like the warrior you are and were born to be! :) .... I found my late Father's war medals the other day .... He had me late in life, both my parents were heading for middle age when I came along, I really miss my Dad a lot ... My youngest son was named after him ... My Dad never really discussed his war days much, if at all ... He was posted to Singapore, all we have is a newspaper clipping of an article mentioning his name and from what I read, my poor Dad had a very unpleasant task out there.... He was an uncommonly loving and kind man, very gentle, never hit me or bashed me about .... Was a softie really :) ... When I think of what men like my Dad sacrificed for our freedom, I hope with all my heart that it was never in vain .... Many things have changed in this country, not all for the good in my honest opinion .... I wouldn't want to be a child growing up and experiencing life now at that tender age .... Not with the way things are going ... That's another topic really, not for now as I really should head off to bed ..... On a sarcoidosis note, if you do find you land here for whatever reason and need any advice, support or help with sarcoidosis then SILA have an amazing website, very informative ... Also if you have a Facebook account, there are some incredible support groups on there, I've gotten to know some wonderful friends and family online through them .... You're not alone, you may feel like you are, it can be a very anxious and daunting time for you if you are recently diagnosed, but please hold on .... Support is out there, family are out there.

On that note, I'll say goodnight and sweet dreams, thank you for calling by and for reading my blog entries, not all are sarcoidosis related, I literally chat about any old shit LOL ... Take care of yourselves and happy Friday! Massive hugs xoxoxoxoxoxo ........ Gina 

Awful Day Yesterday And This Morning But Feeling A Bit Better Now .....

Ok, so I've not been on Blogger much at all, there's a few reasons why and one of them is a bit of a sarcoidosis flare up in the week just gone ... My face went all droopy on the left side again, numbness in the nerves, eye was significantly lower than the other on that side, migraine, yeah blah blah, happened before .... Yawn .... Upon the advice of a very good friend who I showed what was happening, I have been advised to seek a consultation with a Neurologist ... I will try and get to see my doctor hopefully this week coming as my endometriosis is also playing up and I'm in a huge amount of pain and discomfort, I also have a Cardiology appointment this week too ... I know I'm being a dickhead right now as I'm feeling sorry for myself ... Dickheads do that lol ... So ... Why am I feeling sorry for myself? ... It's stupid .... I had the flare up, so I couldn't do as much as I usually manage to do, I relied on one of my sons to walk the dogs, therefore I missed out on spending time with Eddie and his brother Gonzo ... Gonzo has gone home now and I've done nothing but cry since, I missed holding him in my arms last night and waking up with his front legs round my neck giving me kisses ... Eddie is so loving too but he's more of a Harry's dog right now, so I feel a bit unloved which is fucking pathetic .... I know he's happy as he's home with his mummy and he's loved and well cared for, I just miss the little guy and him having the energy of a Duracell bunny lol ... He was so hyper!! :) ... I'm sure the flare up is not helping my mood either, plus with the problems of endo too and the awful pain, I'm really not a chirpy chick ... So, I decided to have a chill on Facebook ... Well my God, wish I hadn't LOL ... I first of all find out that my friend and I have been blocked by someone from seeing their posts and that in our oblivion to this, we were being foul mouthed by said person, so that all kicked off .... Then bugger my bangers and call me Boris, if I didn't get a message from someone else who has caused shit in the past for me and my friends too ... No fucking thank you! You know what? ... I couldn't make this any plainer if I tattooed this on your fucking eyeballs ... Go the fuck away!! I actually pity you and people like you, who go out your way to be as spiteful and cruel as you possibly can and for what? .. To make yourself feel better ... I've seen you bully friends and even though I cut you out years ago, you still troll me then go bitching and being nasty to other people for talking to me ... If they too, have a low opinion of you then that's your fault ... Learn to treat other people well and as you would like to be treated and then maybe you'll start to form bonds based on kindness instead of you manipulating others into being your friend ... I do seriously pity you ... Now please go away ... I'm done.

This morning ... Oh boy .... This morning I got a lot of crap offline, for something so silly it really defies my human comprehension as to how it even happened ... But nonetheless, I feel like I'm just an issue punchbag in a lot of ways ... It's weird but since being widowed and then chronically sick, people have just walked out my life, some admittedly I kicked out with a huge boot mark on their sorry arse LOL ... There's very little tolerance for people like me out there, I find comfort from friends online who share in our illness or who are also chronically sick ... Because people like me are made to feel like we have no place in society sometimes ... We are made to feel bad by others who have no idea and who prefer to judge and label us ... Some take the attitude, oh it's not cancer so it's ok ... So much more needs to be done to alter the perception of the chronically sick ... I don't enjoy being in chronic pain without a break, I don't enjoy travelling miles to the hospital regularly, I don't enjoy having a stash of pills beside the bed or in my handbag, I don't enjoy depression as a result of my illness, I don't enjoy being unable to work full time, I don't enjoy feeling too unwell to honour all arrangements made, I don't enjoy not being able enough to just keep up, I don't enjoy being financially worse off because I'm sick and not being able to do everything I want to do for my kids, I don't enjoy being isolated from others because I'm not like them ... Do you understand? ... If you're chronically sick then of course you do ... It can be very lonely ... Not always through our own choice ... I've contemplated suicide several times in the past due to loneliness and pain and feeling rejected as I'm not a Gina and Dave any more and now I'm sick also .... 

I think I will leave it there, my brain is starting to dry up again so I'll finish up by saying, if you are one of those who has hurt me in the past, do not expect to be in my present and future, the simple answer is no ... If you are chronically sick then you have my utmost respect and support too ... Because I know the battles you face as I face them too ... And please, above all else .... DO NOT GIVE UP!

Loves and hugs always

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Babysitting Only It's Not a Human! :)

Awwww I am officially the luckiest lady alive as I'm babysitting my dog's brother ... So .... Instead of one Jack Russell fur baby to look after, I'm now looking after two and so far I'm loving every second of it ... Eddie baby dog has a brother named Gonzo, they are both so cute together too! They're both fast asleep at the moment in the living room beside me .... They've had a busy evening playing shred the football and go out for a pee just because and eat each other's food LOL ... OMG I had no idea how two together could be so adorable .... They are so beautiful .... I think Gonzo is missing his mummy so I'm trying to reassure him with the same amount of cuddles as I give to Eddie ... I don't want to make either one feel left out ... I've got next week off work too which I'm very much looking forward to .... I'm hoping the weather will be good enough to take them out and enjoy every second with them ... They're so well behaved .... It's so quiet here too, it's gone 1 in the morning and there's not a sound outside or inside ... I did wonder if I might have to deal with a bit more noise, but no .... Only time they bark at the moment is if they hear someone outside and think they are walking up the pathway ... They're not, it's just one dog barks and the other follows suit ... Monkey see, monkey do kind of thing and oh, by the way, Gonzo's farts are rank!! LOL ... This sweet little fuzz bum is crashed out next to me and farting The Bluebells Of Scotland!! ... OMG the little guy is skunking my nostrils big style .... Smelly little pooch ....I thought Eddie could let the stinkies fly but Gonzo is light years ahead!! 

So, aside the fact that Gonzo is melting my eyebrows through farting merrily away, all's good :) ... I'm waiting for my youngest son to come home after a night out and my eldest won't be home til the morning as the poor lad is working night shift ... 16 hours tonight, I honestly don't know where he gets his stamina and energy from ... He reminds me of a Duracell Bunny!! 

I've been making tags but haven't uploaded any on here for a while so I thought I would share my latest one .... I'm quite pleased with this one :) 

Goodnight, sweet dreams xox

Been Making Some Stuff Today...

It's Saturday night, just gone half past midnight, as per our weekend routine, I'm being totally rock and roll staying up way past my bedtime drinking tea and Photoshopping ... I wanted to make something different from what I usually do in between bouts of housework earlier so I made some quotes which I will post further down this blog entry.... I woke up this morning and despite the pain which is always there to different degrees, I felt pretty good, which makes a pleasant and most welcome change as last weekend I felt like dog shit .... This weekend I have managed to get quite a lot done so I'm pleased I managed to do what I did .... As in true British style, it's supposed to be summer and the heating is on, the onesie is fluffy and my slippers are soft and comfy lol ... We were having some wonderful weather here but it has all gone tits up for now ... I have a feeling it won't last too long, maybe another week of it at the most, then fingers crossed some more beautiful sunshine for us ... 

Ok, I have been asked by a couple of friends how I make my tags etc .... I used to use Paint Shop Pro, it is brilliant but I am more comfy on Photoshop ... So much so that Paint Shop Pro is never used at all ... I can't remember the last time I used it .... I also have a selection of fantastic plugins... Animation wise I use various software, the most used is Jasc Animation Shop ... Please beware if you are new to this and are looking around on the internet for Jasc ... It's old software, but it's a God send as it is so easy and flexible and simple too .... There are downloads out there for Jasc but not all are legit .... I downloaded it many years ago, I wish I could remember where from ... But make sure your download is safe.  I also use other animation makers, but not as often ... 

A lot of tags are made using templates too, there's thousands out there, I think I downloaded mine from a creative misfits blogspot account .... I don't know if it's still running but if you Google "creative misfits blogspot" it should hopefully guide you to the right place ... If you do have any questions, then leave a comment for me, I'll gladly try and help with anything .... 

As far as the sarcoidosis goes, today hasn't been too bad at all, I do keep getting this sensation like something is placing pressure on my throat, a bit like being held in a choke hold, very mild though, but still noticeable and irritating ... I can swallow fine, my throat isn't sore but my glands do feel swollen in that area .... It's odd but everywhere I experience a lot of pain is where my lymph nodes are .... There's specific areas in your elbows where they are and in your groin, those exact spots are where the pain really is prevalent for me ... I think pain and fatigue are my main and worse symptoms ... To be honest I'm thankful ... I could be so much worse off, if I have to live in pain for the rest of my life then that's the way it is, I can try and do what I can to distract myself from it and to try and ease it .... It's not the end of the world for me ... I do realize I am very lucky and I appreciate all the really good things and people in my life.

Ok ..... So these quotes then LOL ... Here they are :) 

Goodnight, sweet dreams xoxo :)

Up Late, So Thought I'd Blog

Been a little while since I last blogged, so just thought I would update as I'm up late and wide awake at the moment, it's been a bit of an up and down kind of time, I've made some decisions that might have shocked a few people but to me, they were wise decisions after much thought.... I don't think I made the wrong decisions for all concerned, some may argue that, but I'm sure pretty much from my side of the fence anyway .... Unless you actually know me and everything about me, you probably wouldn't understand my decision making .... I spent too many years of my life treated like I was a convenience, a cushion and someone who would always be there, no matter how shit our situation made me feel ... It's not entirely this person's fault either, it was a very painful and traumatic situation for all parties involved and not something I wish to live again in any form ... I was overshadowed all the time, expected almost to just take whatever each day brought, never to be accepted I guess ... I refuse to do that again.  It simply isn't worth the sacrifice to your self worth, your health both mentally and physically and to really lose yourself in something you have no say in and no way of knowing which way to turn to try and make it remotely improve, is just not a road I would advise anyone to take in life for the sake of trying to "be there" for someone you love and care for.... By all means be supportive and do what you can, but don't sink yourself trying to keep other's afloat ... They need to help themselves and not completely depend on you for that.

I've also noticed some trolling going on in terms of my Facebook account ... It's pathetic, I've much better things to focus my time and energy on .... So ... If you are out to cause drama and trouble on social media, don't honestly ever expect me to become a part of that and help and assist you .... You're on your own sunshine ..... I've dealt with one too many lunatics and idiots online in my time to ever wish to become embroiled in more shit.  

In terms of the sarcoidosis, well it's still there LOL .... I've had my painkiller dosage altered to a stronger dose, which is thankfully helping quite a bit .... I'm also trying very hard to keep going, anyone in pain and/or with a chronic illness will understand and appreciate fully just how hard that can sometimes be.  Work is great ... Still happy, still enjoying what I do ... 

I'm not sure if I have already mentioned this previously, but my mum is now confirmed as having dementia, I saw her earlier today and she really isn't well at all .... It's so sad seeing her like this now ... She's always been so energetic, so busy, always on the go and dashing about, razor sharp minded and seeing her reduced to who she is now, it's so cruel .... This really isn't what my mum deserves .... I just wish life hadn't been so cruel to her lately ... When I first got told about her diagnosis, I must admit I did fall apart a little bit ... I needed to feel like there was some support there, it didn't feel like it truly was and I felt quite alone .... I spent last weekend mostly in bed sick, thanks to pain and fatigue, I just could have done with something, yes I have got my sons but I don't want to be a nuisance or burden on them, they are both young and should be enjoying their life now, while they can .... At their age it's an adventure ... They should enjoy every second ... I try and encourage that and the last thing I want is them worrying about me .... 

So that's basically it .... I see my rheumatologist in a few weeks, so will mention the pain as usual, the fatigue and end up feeling disgruntled and frustrated as usual, no doubt it'll be like talking to someone who doesn't give a shit, will probably be in a hurry like always and tell me how well I look just for good measure to rub salt in the wound a bit more ... I hope he will at least have the time of day for me, being that I haven't seen this man in many months now ... 

I have been making graphics too, but will upload them at another time, but if you want to see them then all you need to do is click on the link at the top of the page titled "My Glitter Graphics Profile" or here if you don't feel like scrolling up LOL 

Goodnight, sweet dreams and thank you for popping by! :) 

Online Bullying

It's been a little while since I last blogged and since then my thoughts have been turned to bullying online, not just young people but adults too ... There seems to be  a minimal support network out there in terms of kids being bullied online,  I think there could be much more to help them too ... But what about adults? ... We get bullied and trolled too .... Where's the help? I've experienced several incidents over the years whereby I, along with friends of mine have been bullied by haters ... Some for no reason whatsoever just took an immediate and instant dislike to me ... I know it happens but I don't know why ... I get that we all aren't going to see eye to eye and get along but I don't understand the bullying side ... We are supposed to be adults...... Mature, seasoned adults and yet these people take to behaving like spoiled brats and spiteful playground children and drama queens .... Let me offer you some examples here..... Many years ago when Bebo was very popular I had an account ... I made what I thought was a good friend on there only to constantly be caught up in her drama, back then I thought she was being bullied because people were jealous of her, only to discover a few years ago, she is in fact a lying, manipulative bitch who targeted individuals for the sake of creating her make believe drama and oh feel sorry for me crap .... She was so cruel to these people, I've since learned that these people I am referring to are good people, they're so nice .... They were rounded up on by her because they knew she was a fake and tried to warn those close to her online ... I wouldn't listen to them, defending her to the hilt no matter the cost and I paid a high price along with those she singled out and bullied and lied about .... Since this woman has been out of my life, my online life has been bliss, no drama in the Bebo crowd as I call them as they are my long term online friends and I love them all dearly ... I've gotten to know these friends online who are actually so very nice and kind, they are no trouble at all, always sweet and I am so glad to be back in contact with them, especially the most recent ... I just wish I could turn the clock back and do it all different ... I'd never have gotten involved with this vile bully .... I cut her out my life over 2 years ago and she still trolls me on Facebook .... It's silly, she does it purely for the drama and attention ... She craves sympathy all the time, seeking attention through lies and stirring up shit .... At the end of the day people will believe what they want to believe, the day will come when they too grow tired of her shit and cut her out as well ... Until then it's their choice being friends with her, I hope she doesn't do the same to them that she's done to me and to my friends, but I doubt she will refrain from playing her games with them too .... She faked her identity, used the date my husband died as her fake birthday, pretended she was getting engaged/married and was young, blonde and beautiful ... I get that we use fake images as our profile photo's on social media, that's understandable to first of all protect our real identity and some of these images are way too cool LOL ... However, it should stop there, there is absolutely no need to make up such wild lies too.... The final straw for me was when she put a page up I'd made for animal rights to be deleted, she refused to accept what she had done, pretended she had no idea what I was so upset about and my best friend challenged her over it and got a confession in the end ... Too late, damage done, liar once more exposed and enough was enough ... There was no sincerity at all in her apology and then she went on the abuse rampage with her daughter in tow .... That was the end of that ... I grew sick of her always slagging people down in private messages to me too ... Drama is not something I'm interested in ... That's that, no more.

Second example is more recent .... I'm a member of a wonderful social website, we all share the same interest and it's a fun and friendly, upbeat place with some really lovely people on there .... I joined in July last year and made some great friends .... I'm in awe of a lot of them as their graphics are just outstanding ... Anyway, back to when I joined, someone decided to add me as a friend on Facebook ... A short while after she deleted me and removed me as a friend at this other website ... It's ok, I get it that not everyone is going to like me and for some reason she took a dislike to me and that was that .... Or so I thought anyway .... I then discovered she was foul mouthing me to other members saying I'm arrogant and think I'm better than everyone else ... I guess they needed to make their own minds up but I still to this day have no idea where that came from and why she said that ... She was very bitchy to me when I was promoted for want of a better term... She stated I hadn't earned it ... Ok if that's how she feels, it's her opinion I guess .... I left well alone, but I did notice that thanks to a flag counter I was getting regular visits from who I suspected to be her ....Months later it turns out I was correct .... Everything I was doing she was copying .... It all came to a massive crunch when a friend of mine even pointed it out to me .... When I checked back, literally nearly everything I'd done had been copied ... She went off on one about it accusing me of copying her .... So, I asked for an investigation ... Yes, she was copying me .... Then the barrage of abuse continued from her and a couple of her friends ... Every day through profiles she was making after being kicked off, abuse and more abuse ... I still get visits from who I assume is her but thankfully no more abuse ... Also this website is very hot on behaviour like that and they simply will not tolerate drama and bitching.  

Ok so back to what I was originally saying .... Bullying online ... Yes adults do get bullied .... I think overall so much more needs to be done to tackle online bullying on a larger scale from child to adult .... Yes we can follow websites protocol ... We can block on some social media accounts but it's not a deterrent ... In my view it's the social media website's easy way out .... It's their way of saying sort it yourself as we don't wish to get involved .... But it simply doesn't work ... By blocking someone you invite them to make a fake account and watch/troll you via that account .... It doesn't work ... Laws need tightening on online abuse, the sooner the better and I also believe more awareness needs raising of adults being abused online ... It doesn't just happen to children, maybe adults  feel too embarrassed and ashamed to step forward and talk about this, but that can make you feel even more alone and it can hurt even more and just add to the distress .... Yes we are all adults and should behave in an adult manner and be grown up enough to sort it, but not all adults behave like decent and responsible adults, some are actually very manipulative, nasty, jealous, spoiled, evil poisonous brats with an abhorrent agenda on those they choose to target .... Their venomous tentacles attaching and sticking to those who are easily sucked in by them.... Please be careful online and above all, be kind ... You don't know what someone is going through in their life .... If you cannot be kind then just leave them be, you really don't have to make them such a big deal in your own life to the point you generate hatred, spread lies and make them the centre of your sad little world .... Enough said.