Sunday, 5 June 2016

Awful Day Yesterday And This Morning But Feeling A Bit Better Now .....

Ok, so I've not been on Blogger much at all, there's a few reasons why and one of them is a bit of a sarcoidosis flare up in the week just gone ... My face went all droopy on the left side again, numbness in the nerves, eye was significantly lower than the other on that side, migraine, yeah blah blah, happened before .... Yawn .... Upon the advice of a very good friend who I showed what was happening, I have been advised to seek a consultation with a Neurologist ... I will try and get to see my doctor hopefully this week coming as my endometriosis is also playing up and I'm in a huge amount of pain and discomfort, I also have a Cardiology appointment this week too ... I know I'm being a dickhead right now as I'm feeling sorry for myself ... Dickheads do that lol ... So ... Why am I feeling sorry for myself? ... It's stupid .... I had the flare up, so I couldn't do as much as I usually manage to do, I relied on one of my sons to walk the dogs, therefore I missed out on spending time with Eddie and his brother Gonzo ... Gonzo has gone home now and I've done nothing but cry since, I missed holding him in my arms last night and waking up with his front legs round my neck giving me kisses ... Eddie is so loving too but he's more of a Harry's dog right now, so I feel a bit unloved which is fucking pathetic .... I know he's happy as he's home with his mummy and he's loved and well cared for, I just miss the little guy and him having the energy of a Duracell bunny lol ... He was so hyper!! :) ... I'm sure the flare up is not helping my mood either, plus with the problems of endo too and the awful pain, I'm really not a chirpy chick ... So, I decided to have a chill on Facebook ... Well my God, wish I hadn't LOL ... I first of all find out that my friend and I have been blocked by someone from seeing their posts and that in our oblivion to this, we were being foul mouthed by said person, so that all kicked off .... Then bugger my bangers and call me Boris, if I didn't get a message from someone else who has caused shit in the past for me and my friends too ... No fucking thank you! You know what? ... I couldn't make this any plainer if I tattooed this on your fucking eyeballs ... Go the fuck away!! I actually pity you and people like you, who go out your way to be as spiteful and cruel as you possibly can and for what? .. To make yourself feel better ... I've seen you bully friends and even though I cut you out years ago, you still troll me then go bitching and being nasty to other people for talking to me ... If they too, have a low opinion of you then that's your fault ... Learn to treat other people well and as you would like to be treated and then maybe you'll start to form bonds based on kindness instead of you manipulating others into being your friend ... I do seriously pity you ... Now please go away ... I'm done.

This morning ... Oh boy .... This morning I got a lot of crap offline, for something so silly it really defies my human comprehension as to how it even happened ... But nonetheless, I feel like I'm just an issue punchbag in a lot of ways ... It's weird but since being widowed and then chronically sick, people have just walked out my life, some admittedly I kicked out with a huge boot mark on their sorry arse LOL ... There's very little tolerance for people like me out there, I find comfort from friends online who share in our illness or who are also chronically sick ... Because people like me are made to feel like we have no place in society sometimes ... We are made to feel bad by others who have no idea and who prefer to judge and label us ... Some take the attitude, oh it's not cancer so it's ok ... So much more needs to be done to alter the perception of the chronically sick ... I don't enjoy being in chronic pain without a break, I don't enjoy travelling miles to the hospital regularly, I don't enjoy having a stash of pills beside the bed or in my handbag, I don't enjoy depression as a result of my illness, I don't enjoy being unable to work full time, I don't enjoy feeling too unwell to honour all arrangements made, I don't enjoy not being able enough to just keep up, I don't enjoy being financially worse off because I'm sick and not being able to do everything I want to do for my kids, I don't enjoy being isolated from others because I'm not like them ... Do you understand? ... If you're chronically sick then of course you do ... It can be very lonely ... Not always through our own choice ... I've contemplated suicide several times in the past due to loneliness and pain and feeling rejected as I'm not a Gina and Dave any more and now I'm sick also .... 

I think I will leave it there, my brain is starting to dry up again so I'll finish up by saying, if you are one of those who has hurt me in the past, do not expect to be in my present and future, the simple answer is no ... If you are chronically sick then you have my utmost respect and support too ... Because I know the battles you face as I face them too ... And please, above all else .... DO NOT GIVE UP!

Loves and hugs always

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